I don't know what to do. Do I build my wisdom and have faith for better things to come? Or do I plan an ambitious and passionate path and go into that headstrong without any hesitation? Or do I do both? Is it that I have all components to my Self-expression and success and now all I must do is assemble them together into the final product; the actualization of my unlived life?
I've learned so much. So much about living in the moment and having faith in the greater power within me. That it's not about hard work but believing and expecting great things to happen.
Then I'll have a reality check of a conversation with an older friend of mine. Who has made success and has a plethora of street smarts. He says now is the time to give it all I have. To hustle and bustle and do everything I need to do in order to achieve and obtain what I'm pursuing. That I need to step into my confidence and Know within me that I am "all of that" and more.
To "take life by the balls" and never settle for less. To ignore distractions and never alter myself for anyone. That I have all I need now. To conspire and strategize for my success. Be Bold and don't let anyone tell you you're not enough.
I feel conflicted. It "seems" that I am hearing two different directions.
From my readings I gather that I must be present in the moment and visualize and believe for things to get better.
From my friends who've accomplished much I gather that I must "take life by the balls".
Is it really both?
I truly desire the inner peace of knowing that my Father has everything taken care of and that all I need to do is walk forward and trust in His promises.
I also deeply desire to rise up in my personality. To be bold and confident. To know what I want and to seize it. To give myself to life. Wholeheartedly with love and fire.
I don't want to be just a nice person. I don't want to be cute and sweet. I want to be a MAN!!! I want to speak with weight in my words and passion in my eyes. With fire in my chest and love in my heart. I want to own my world, because I know the Father gave it to us for our enjoyment and to reach others who are down.
I don't know why but I think that I have to choose one way or the other. That I'm at a fork in the road. Where I can choose to take one of two paths. One being the road of inner peace and faith.
The other being inner desire and passion and outward expression.
I reread the above paragraph and I begin to think that there is no fork in the road. That there isn't two paths. That there is only one. One path. That this path is the convergence of my two hypothetical paths. That I am stalled in the middle of my path by a mirage of a fork in the road. There is no fork! As I observe closer it begins to dissipate. I am on my road. I am on my path. Everything I've been reading and learning and everything I've been hearing and experiencing are all connected. They are all the sum of one part. They are all the road signs I've learned to decipher. As I became more aware of myself and my world through readings and meditation I have picked up understanding of these signs. I've collected a manual of different signs but did not know for what the manual was to.
I categorized the different signs into two groups but now I see that they are all of the same manual to the same path.
How did I get so confused? So turned around? Where did this "fork in the road" come from? How did I not notice I was seeing a mirage directly before me? What comes to my mind is something Steven Pressfield describes in his book "The War of Art" as "Resistance." Resistance being that force within all of us moving toward self destruction. That this force is insidious and extremely cunning. That it will use the best of you to beat you down. That we must be vigilant and aware of this force and work through it. The more we fight Resistance the weaker the hold it has on us. Though we can never cease to work against it because that is when it will overcome us. It will lie and wait until you believe it has left you and then without you knowing it, it will have slowly crept back in your life. It will be dictating your actions behind the scenes all because you've become complacent and satisfied with where you were at. Thus robbing you and the world, who are in wait of your greatness, of expressing your Self to your maximum potential.
A lesson learned. A life lived better.
This was a personal journal entry, in attempt for clarity. Though, after reading through it I feel I must share this. I know that I am not the only one battling faith and logic, inner peace and passion, confusion and disorientation. I write because I enjoy the clarity it brings me. If you've read all the way through this, I hope you see the effectiveness that writing your thoughts can have on clearing your thinking and sharpening your resolve. Writer or not it is an ancient practice that benefits all who try it.
With love.
